Out of the Darkness

It's been almost a year since I've written - we've had our second baby, Harrison John. I returned to work, and we've somehow survived the toughest first 6 months of having two children (who are both still under 2 years old).

Something I have been very private about and have finally decided to speak more openly on is the postpartum depression I experienced for a long time after having Harrison. Now that I am firmly on the other side and life feels so sweet, I can reflect back on that very dark chapter of my life.

What was very difficult when I had Harrison was the fact that I had experienced no postpartum with Charlotte, and I was so incredibly happy when she joined the family. But following delivery and in the weeks and months after I brought Harrison home, I couldn't shake the feeling. I was so anxious, tired, paranoid and unhappy.

Call it running after a toddler, adjusting to two humans always needing something, functioning on limited sleep, but I was thrown for a loop. Khaner, on paternity leave, still had to be on a work trip 2.5 weeks after we brought Harrison home, and I found myself laying on our bed, weeping, begging him not to leave me, even with my MIL here to help.

My friend Stacey brought us dinner one night as part of a meal train our friends had started, and I had never known she had faced the same challenges with her second baby. She promised me I was going to connect with him soon, and I would come to feel the same way about him as I did Charlotte. It was an awful feeling to not adore, love and dote on this thing you created, but it was my reality.

Fast forward 6 months later, and we really do have the sweetest little boy, who LOVES to go to sleep, take naps, cuddle and sing songs. I even got away last weekend for my HS best friends' bachelorette party in NY and stayed out wayyy past my bedtime. It goes to show that you can come full circle again.

There is a ton of books, support groups, and unsolicited advice parents love to give other parents, but what I will say is to give yourself some time, cut yourself some slack, and take stock in the good things you do as a parent. There will come a time where things will fall into place, and in the interim, give yourself some grace.

Look at this nugget!